On January 10th, I celebrated 9 months of sobriety from alcohol. This is not going to be one of those posts shaming you into quitting drinking. Instead, I challenge you to think about all the ways you may distance yourself from your own inner wisdom, like I used to. I am writing this with two desires in mind: building community with other sober-curious people and creating an outlet for the buzzing that has erupted in my head since I quit drinking.
I sought out substances to quiet my inner voice and distance myself from my soul for a very long time. In the absence of alcohol, there is not always peace for me. Instead, every single secret, intuitive whisper, and buried desire of mine are warring with one another to break the surface of my mind.
Instead of continuing to bury my thoughts and desires, I’m exploring what feels safe to share with the world. I am uncovering my long-lost love of writing. In the midst of the chaos in the world, my personal life, and my slowly healing wounds, I am finding my voice again. I wholeheartedly believe that this yearning to share my experiences would not exist unless I was meant to explore it.
For me, quitting drinking has meant addressing the reality that many relationships and dynamics in my life were no longer aligned with the person I am becoming. I found myself noticing patterns in the relationships I entered while I was drinking that were regressive, harmful, and lacking proper boundaries. What most people believe to be anxiety is actually an inner compass of mine, pointing me to my truest self and connections.
It was the easier choice to lean into substances and accept whoever comes walking into my life. Without alcohol, the easier choices no longer feel good to me. The debilitating anxiety I once tried to drown out with alcohol has again roared to the surface. Instead of drowning it out, I became still, trusted myself, and listened. I made a list of the people in my life who inspire me and settle my nervous system. On the other hand, I considered people in my life who inspired anxiety and self doubt. I began observing not just the people I spent time with, but myself and who I became in these dynamics.
I started observing myself in my relationships shortly before I gave up alcohol. I realized that I lie to myself when I am drinking. I tell myself stories about the people I desperately want to cling to. Why I cling to certain dynamics is a story for another time. In sobriety, I can no longer lie to myself about people in my life. I have found the courage to take action and prune the garden of my relationships; to draw boundaries with the people I care about and remove the people who are not meant to walk with this version of me.
Being honest with myself about the roles I’ve played in my relationships has been challenging, but I am grateful. Sobriety is challenging because there is no longer a substance for me to hide behind. I cannot make poor choices and blame it on the liquor. It is useless for me to blame the people in my life for my anguish anymore. The question, when you are fully present with yourself, becomes: why are they still there?
If any of this speaks to you, I invite you to explore a few questions I have journaled on extensively. What is familiar about this relationship that draws me to this person? How does my body feel before, during, and after I spend time with this person? What role am I playing in this relationship? Have I become a happier and healthier version of myself while spending time with this person? I invite you to also make a list of the people who light you up and make you feel supported; like you can accomplish anything in life. In contrast, make a list of the people who impose negativity in your life. Consider how you can incorporate more time with people from the first list and how you can draw boundaries with the former.
Courtney 